If you like sex, this is not a letter to you. If you like women, this is not a letter to you. If you’ve somehow put these things together and decided they give you the right to buy what you like, this is a letter to you.
If you’re a misogynistic bastard who gets off on hurting women, this is not a letter to you. Apart from the fact that nothing here would get through, I wouldn’t waste my fucking writing skills on you.
If you’re a man who buys sex and thinks you’re engaged in a mutually beneficial transaction that’s causing no harm, I’m talking to you.
I met many of you. So many. Too many. And I always wondered about you. I wondered, how could you justify this to yourself? How could you tell yourself – and believe it – that I was happy to have strangers’ fingers, penises and tongues shoved into the most private parts of me? How did you convince yourself that I’d be happy about something you’d never, in your wildest nightmares, wish on your own daughter? I wondered, most of all, how could you look at me and not see me?
Let me tell you who you are: you are the ‘good’ punter. You’re the man who has a laugh with the woman you’re buying. You’re the man who strokes her hair. You ask her how her day’s been. How she’s feeling. Why she’s doing this. Did you ever think to ask that of yourself?
You are the ‘good’ punter. If you see a bruise on her you’ll ask if she’s okay. Is anybody treating her violently? Yes. Many men are. Go in the bathroom. You’ll find one above the sink.
The truth, that you’re so desperate to flee from, is that you are just like a gentle rapist. Your attitude and demeanour does not mitigate what you do. The damage you’re causing is incalculable, but you tell yourself you’re doing no harm here, and you use the smiles of the women you buy as some kind of currency; they allow you to buy your own bullshit. I would know; I doled out that currency many times, and we both were that, we both doled out currency in different ways, you and me.
You came along because you wanted to spend what you had to spend, your load, which also meant your money; and you looked at me and you touched me and you fucked me and then you held me. That was always the worst part. I want you to know that. That was always the worst part.
I didn’t want to be held by you. I didn’t want to be cuddled. I didn’t want you close to me, never mind inside me. Your arms around me made me want to puke more than your penis ever did. I shut out that part; it was too horrible. Every moment with you was a lie, and I hated every second of it. And you bought that lie; believe me it was a lie you bought. I know, because I sold it.
In Costa Rica they say: ‘Who is more at fault, the one who sins for the pay or the one who pays for the sin?’ Those words were taken from a book about men like you. Victor Malarek’s ‘The Johns’. Can you see the truth in them?
You can, but you don’t want to acknowledge them. You don’t want to face up to that. It doesn’t fit with your view of what you do. It doesn’t fit with your view of who you are. But I know who you are.
I can see you now. You are the ‘good’ punter. You’ve got your fists shoved in your ears. You are the ‘good’ punter. And you don’t want to hear.
FreeIrishWoman
Truly, truly powerful and gripping.
Thank you Maria.
I am that ‘Good Punter’. I spent a one hour in call and realise now that I violated a beautiful 23 yr old Lady for just £70. You ask how do/did I justify my conduct? I told myself that I was nice and kind and treated her with respect. But I’ve felt bad about hugging kissing fucking and having my penis sucked by her ever since. If she really did feel all those things about me (which I know she did) then I’ve been terribly wicked. But I’m not seeking forgiveness from you or anyone else for that matter, no all I want is make amends or is to to late? You were a hooker so you please tell me how this is done? I, as you say, gently raped her and justified it to myself by saying it was mutually beneficial. But I realise now she must have wanted to fuck a 47 yr old as much as being sexually assaulted in a public place. So you tell me how I put this wrong, right! Not to make myself feel better because that’ll never happen. Do I see her again and apologise? Ask for forgiveness? I’d like to give her a substantial amount of money but is that okay or just as bad as the act I’ve just committed? Andrew.
I cannot say strongly enough that I don’t want forgiveness from her.
Help women gain equal pay (pay parity). It will lessen generations of women making financially desperate decisions.
I’m 22 year old American MALE and I have never been with a prostitute. I don’t see how any one ever could want to be with one. And most of all. I don’t see how anyone could ever want to be one. Seriously, how can you look at yourself and feel normal for doing any of these things. Forget about the fuckin ‘good’ punter. You’re a harlet. And once you are a harlet there is no going back. For what ever reason you ever started doing what you did whether if it was for citizenship, pocket change, or whatever you are a harlet woman. And unless if you were kidnapped and forced into prostitution then you are nothing more than that. Because you used your body to get ahead in life by exchanging that for sex. Even if your done forever just remember the damage is already done and that you only have yourself to blame for selling your body parts.
No one ever does want to be one. That’s the whole point of this blog, you fucking fool.
I’m a 46 year old Canadian male. Nothing I’ve read about prostitution on here surprises me. I have never believed in the notion of the “happy hooker” and I think that anyone who does is stunningly ignorant. I have never been to a prostitute, never had a lap dance and have only been to strip clubs a few times, and have gone only grudgingly. I’m as far from a misogynist as you can get from a male, and yet this site makes my skin crawl. It drips of misandry, which although not surprising, is antithetical to your cause. You rail against ruthless, unfeeling men who frequent prostitutes, and yet my considerable dating experience (and evolutionary biology) has taught me those are the men women reward the most. Characterizing yourself as a feminist is pointless in a world where those most likely to frequent and abuse prostitutes are those that women seek out as mates. While dating, I had to resort to feigning misogyny in order to be successful. The more this strategy worked, the more despondent I became, and the more I wished I hadn’t fallen for the feminist garbage I learned in university sociology. Feminism is thinly disguised misandry. Only when feminists become humanists will they begin to see the bigger picture and stop alienating those that can help them make real change.
Take a hike, male toxic waste. Men are shit. Thanks for proving it yet again.
MEN=SHIT.
NAMETHEPROBLEM. COM
Pingback: [link] An Open Letter to the ‘Good’ Punter | feimineach.com
Powerful stuff indeed. But what about the “Good” punter’s wife or girlfriend and your role in deceiving her? A lesser role than his, of course, but it strikes me you are an abuser too.
I’m glad you brought that up Sarah, because I’ve covered the point fairly extensively in my writings. I came to the conclusion long ago that negativity runs in all directions in prostitution. It is unavoidable.
Pingback: [round-up] Monday feminist round-up (1st April 2013) | feimineach.com
It isn’t too late to come clean you know, you still have time. People will help you.
Hello Gaye, are you not bored yet? Jesus I must be terrible interesting when you’re still at it after fourteen months!
You’re a tremendously talented and insightful writer. Though I don’t imagine it will be an easy read, I look forward reading your book when it comes out and wish you every success with it.
Thank you for your support MLM.
Powerful writing that might open eyes that prostitution is demeaning to everyone and those who try and say it is not are simply lying to themselves. People should not be fooled by the glitzy image put out by the pimps. The woman is harmed the most but it runs ‘in all directions’ as you say.
I look forward to your book and I wish everyone would read it and see for themselves. Please keep speaking the truth.
“Please keep speaking the truth”
Raymond, words like this help keep me speaking the truth. Thank you.
Another great piece, you have taken something that has been normalised (the good punter), dissected, analysed and reconstructed the information. You have managed to tell it as it is…the simple truth
thanks
Ado
You made the late late show an interesting and intelligent show tonight, if that was you..And this is your blog.
Thank you for your honesty bravery and power, you must be and certainly should be incredibly proud. I guess luck was on your side in the end due to your intellect. You also have courage in truck loads, I’m blown away.
Thanks very much for your kind words, the support from strangers online has been truly comforting.
Completely agree with the above comment — I just watched your excellent interview on RTE and was glad to put a face to the beautiful & powerful voice behind this blog — you are a beautiful, sweet and intelligent woman. I was also excited to learn that your book is out and can’t wait to read it. Is it only available on Kindle, or will there be hard copies? I’m in Canada and don’t see it listed on Amazon.ca or Amazon.com — do you know if it will be in the future?
I’m sincerely hoping so! In the meantime you can order it directly from http://www.gillmacmillanbooks.ie
Thanks so much for all your support – where would we be without our allies?! You all make a hard, hurtful message easier to convey. Thank you for that.
Aw, you’re a gem Rachel. Without voices like yours people like me would be duped by the deafening pro-sex trade lobbyists, so thank you so much to you and all other survivor-activists bravely telling The Truth about prostitution.
I ended up buying your book on amazon.co.uk and am about halfway through (so hard to put down!), and I stealthily advertise it when I read it on the bus, subway, and leave it lying around in plain view at work and school, its cover always makes people look twice. It’s an *excellent* book and I’m off to read more right now. I just finished the part where you’re describing the diverse and comlex survival strategies used to avoid the reality of complete non-control that is prostitution, and which makes complete sense; it’s an automatic, primal response to do whatever we need to do to “just get it over with” in the least harmful way to our psyche. The mind is such a powerful thing, the lengths and degrees it goes to to protect us from hell. And holy shit (ha!) @ that fucker shitting all over your bathroom! Just, wow. Also, so interesting (and again, makes total sense), why you preferred the BDSM & trans* “perverts” compared to the REAL perverts that were the so-called ordinary men. Just awesome book, very educational in the most compelling way: by presenting the most valid “evidence” of all: lived reality. You rock the socks! I’m so glad you made it out alive. <3
I’ve read your blog with interest for a while. I noticed just now when I clicked on the picture on the upper right (the 1 with the hands) it connected me to a Twitter account that’s a parody of your real Twitter account. I wanted to let you know this in case you didn’t know already. I’ve been reading up on the prostitution debate for a while now and am really sick of these vicious Twitter parodies, putting peoples’ addresses on websites (the last 1 I saw like this was done by a coward using the alias “King Tut”. The hypocrisy of this is disgusting when the 1′s putting up addresses are using alias themselves), saying that those who say they were trafficked are lying, showing NO empathy for those who were trafficked UNLESS they’re pro-prostitution, comparing these peoples’ experiences to those who say they were abducted by aliens and/or saying the number of those that are trafficked is so small it doesn’t matter, etc. In other words, the suffering of even 1 person doesn’t count because they don’t want to hear about ANYONE who claims this to begin with. I’ve read here for a while with interest, want to thank you for sharing your experiences and am sorry for any garbage you’ve gotten from those like I described above.
Thank you very much for making me aware of that Laura. I’ve just had our IT volunteer correct it.
Yes there are some sad specimens of humanity out there, otherwise this blog wouldn’t be necessary in the first place. Thanks again for your help.
Nicely written blog………prostitution is a serious issue worldwide. There is one strange village in India where girls under 18 sell sex because its the custom of their tribe. The girls are brainwashed for entering into the trade right from childhood. This is one dark side of the Indian Village of Tilawala.
http://childprostitutionintilawala.blogspot.in/
Hi,
I’m reading your book at the moment, got it on my kindle on Saturday. You are a wonderful writer, not over sentimental or emotional. I am finding your book very interesting, as a woman who considered herself a feminist but also a liberal a lot of the propaganda surrounding the sex trade, pornography and strip-clubs over the years has made me feel very uncomfortable.As I woman I felt that this was all wrong, but society is so sexualised now that to say you felt uncomfortable meant you were a prude and not a feminist at all, It has only been in reading your words that I can see the reason I felt uncomfortable about it is because it is abuse. A lot of what you say rings true to me, as a mother of four, divorced who never worked as a prostitute I think the treatment of women in society is really an issue in all of this and until we have equality with men, in the workplace, in the home and in the bedroom we will never be equal. If a society is judged by how it treats the most vulnerable members, then what does it say about our own sex that we treat the most vulnerable women this way? I hope that the government will take up the Nordic model.
You are a fantastic role model to all women, and your bravery is amazing.
I wish you the very best in your life.
Keara
Thank you so much for that Keara.
Prostitution is just another form of slavery. And our ‘good’ punter is trying to be good to his slave…
I’m glad to have found this site where someone has gotten out and specifically this article, speaking to people, like me who have thought, however incorrectly that we could be “good” johns. Hey, I never hit anyone. I asked how long you were staying “in”, wanted to know if you were saving for university. I convinced myself that I was treating you like a lady, but in my recovery from lusting in my mind and with my body I see that such is impossible.
I hid everything even from myself (not to mention my wife) and I repent.
I thought, when i thought at all, that both parties were participating out of free will. There is no sense in that. No matter what drove a woman, a beautiful child of God, into prostitution, I kept her there. My money, which could have feed the hungry or clothed the penniless, kept women in bondage to sin, to MY sin. I had countless chances to say, “I’m sorry for who I’ve been and the way I’ve treated you, may I, instead of abusing you in the name of free trade, take you somewhere safe and warm?”
I have been the creep that wrote “reviews” convincing myself that I was “helping” other bastards like myself find the “best” and “helping” those women in their enterprise. In fact, i was further dehumanizing them as a piece of meat, and encouraging others to do the same. How impossibly far could I go from God’s intention for man and woman?
Please forgive me and please keep writing if to reach only one person, john or slave, and encourage them to be set free and to help others.
I cannot say thank you enough for this post. Sinner, please remember that we are ALL sinners, we’ve all done things that we are guilty for and ashamed of. It is not the past, that we cannot influence or change, that matters here; it is the present and the future, that we can influence and change, that matters.
I commend you for your decency and your bravery and I thank you for reaching out and adding your voice to this issue. The voice of men who’ve faced the reality of their past actions is an important one and one that’s not heard often enough. It is a voice that’s almost always muzzled by fear and shame, and I thank you for not allowing yourself to be silenced by those painful feelings.
Rachel,
Thank you for your response – I crave response to know that I’m not apologizing to the wind. I hesitate to directly contact any of the women I’ve paid. For my own clean break from that sin life and healing I don’t think it wise.
Oh, there’s plenty of shame left, hence not even using my extraordinarily common first name. What I wish I could find was a program for helping adult women out of prostitution in the US. I find plenty of excellent programs in many countries for rescuing children and programs elsewhere in the world for adult women, but not many here in the US.
Among my list if sins is many acts of unfaithfulness with supposed “swinger” couples. If I add the plight of those wives here I hope you don’t mind. They are not working in brothels or parlors, but it’s apparent from the attitudes of their husbands that these women have been prostituted (by their own husbands). It’s a power play with male-dominated selfish demeaning results. What kind of love does a man have for his wife to encourage, almost force, her to have sex with other men – realistically for the enjoyment of the men only.
Hi Sinner, I’m glad you were able to push past the crippling spiritual cancers of guilt and shame in order to find and speak the Truth, because Truth, then Action, is where we find Liberation.
You said: “What I wish I could find was a program for helping adult women out of prostitution in the US.”
May I suggest that instead, you focus your attention and energy on your fellow men and educating them about why and how it’s wrong to pay for sex? There are probably endless ways to go about doing this, limited only by your imagination. I suggest this because prostituted women have little to zero trust in men, so to have men rescuing them can feel highly suspicious and unsafe (and often ends up to be the case), which I’m sure you can understand and respect.
I wish you luck in your continued recovery and hope you will reach out to educate and stop men from using all aspects of the sex industry, and that they in turn will reach out to other men and do the same. This is how we will achieve liberation from sexual slavery and begin collective healing for ALL.
Sinner: May I also add that if you want to help women out of prostitution, in addition to educating and stopping the men, why not go back to wherever you used to buy prostituted women, give them whatever amount of money you used to give them, and without touching any part of their body except maybe accidentally part of their hand during the money exchange, wish them a good and safe night, and leave.
Joining or starting organizations is not the only way to effect change; we can do many things individually and “unofficially” that make a direct impact. Good luck to you. May you lead by example and effect change in other men.
“The truth, that you’re so desperate to flee from, is that you are just like a gentle rapist. ”
Well, that’s something new I didn’t know about myself. (sigh)
After reading this article and a few others I thought it will diminish my desire for paid sex, but it didn’t. I guess being young and single and when not having sex for a while makes you want to hit the wall with your head is not something of concern in what I read so far on this subject (on this website and others).
The only reason I have approved this post is so that people can get a look inside the minds of men like you, and understand that legislation is the only way to deal with the rancid sexual selfishness that causes a person truly not to give a damn about their fellow humans.
I’m sorry if what I said offended you, that was not the intention and reading what I said I see how it can be seen as insulting.
Thank you for your apology Peter. I would appreciate it though if you would think about something. I’d like you to think about how it would feel for you to know that your little sister was having her body used day after day after day, by man after man after man, because of poverty or past sexual abuse or a constraint of options so tight that she had to choose between prostitution and homelessness.
Those are the constraints that we had. Those are the ‘choices’ we had to make. And every moment, while our skin was crawling, we each had to plaster a smile on our face. I was fifteen when I was first prostituted and that situation continued for seven years. I was twenty-two when I got out. I’m thirty-seven now, and I’m still trying to find a way back to being normal. That is the reality for most women in prostitution. Please think of that the next time you want to rent a woman’s body in order to relieve yourself.
Peter,
You might find a local 12 step group that can help you. The power of addicts helping addicts is without parallel.
Try sa.org
It helps. You are NOT alone.
Hi Peter, I would like to ask you something. Now that you know prostitution is paid rape, that women in prostitution don’t truly and freely choose it and are instead forced into it through economic destitution or desperation, and are exteremley harmed by it, why and how is your orgasm still more important than a woman’s physical, mental, emotional and spiritual safety and well-being?
My sister, in the midst of being raped, asked her rapist if his orgasm was more important than her life, to which he replied Yes, and continued raping her. The rest of her life from that night onwards has been a mental and spiritual hell, more so than the actual rape was, because that’s how trauma works. That was a one-time life altering & ruining incident. This happens to a prostituted woman over and over and over again with each “job”, so we can only imagine the trauma and hell they live with, and more so because they are thought to be non-rapeable because money (while the reality is that money is what binds the slave owner to his slave, sexual or otherwise).
You too are saying your orgasm is more important than a woman’s life. So again, I ask you, how and why is this so? And what will it take for you to see women as whole human beings who deserve respect, dignity, and the freedom from being your masturbation object if they don’t want to be, no matter how horny you are?
Feminist :
“Hi Peter, I would like to ask you something. [...] why and how is your orgasm still more important than a woman’s physical, mental, emotional and spiritual safety and well-being?”
Its not. Why do you say that as if its the way I think ?
“You too are saying your orgasm is more important than a woman’s life. So again, I ask you, how and why is this so?”
I’m not saying that.
“And what will it take for you to see women as whole human beings who deserve respect, dignity, and the freedom from being your masturbation object if they don’t want to be, no matter how horny you are?”
What did I say that made you believe I don’t see women as whole human beings ? Or that they don’t deserve respect or dignity ?
Was the way I responded to the remark of being labeled as a “gentle rapist” ? I was surprised when I read that sentence. In my head I was thinking ” what ?! how ?! wtf ?!?! “. How am I a rapist ? I’m not forcing somebody to have sex with me.
If a woman has sex with her boyfriend is she a “masturbation object” ? No ?!
If a woman has sex with a man for money (and are both aware of it) is she automatically a “masturbation object” ? Isn’t that a sexual service ?
“Masturbation object” is a very insulting and incorrect term, masturbation cannot compare with the pleasure a woman can offer.
If I’m horny and I still have money for sexual services I will pay for one. What would you want me do ? Abstain ? Abstinence is painful and pointless.
“That was a one-time life altering & ruining incident. This happens to a prostituted woman over and over and over again with each “job”, so we can only imagine the trauma and hell they live with, and more so because they are thought to be non-rapeable because money (while the reality is that money is what binds the slave owner to his slave, sexual or otherwise).”
I’m not telling a prostitute that my orgasm is more important than her life and I refuse to believe that sex with me is a traumatizing experience (wtf?!), at worst its a boring experience.
Believe what you want, but do not post your ignorance on this blog again.
Peter:
“I’m not forcing somebody to have sex with me. ”
Money is what forces prostituted women to have sex with you, so yes you are forcing them. For them to say No is not an option because lack of real options is what drives them into prostitution in the first place.
“What did I say that made you believe I don’t see women as whole human beings ? Or that they don’t deserve respect or dignity?” —-> These comments you made:
1) “After reading this article and a few others I thought it will diminish my desire for paid sex, but it didn’t.” —> After hearing that prostitution is paid rape and harmful & traumatic for the women in it, you still want to pay for sex. Do you not see the disrespect in that and the damage you are going to do if you follow through with your desire? Even if the woman is smiling and making sex noises, she is doing it because she HAS to, it’s part of the performance and in no way represents how she truly feels about the experience. Re-read the article — Rachel explained this in detail.
2) ” I guess being young and single and when not having sex for a while makes you want to hit the wall with your head is not something of concern.” —-> Right here you are saying that your need to orgasm is a) women’s responsibility, and b) more important than the degradation and trauma that your “need” to orgasm is causing. Your sexual desire is not the responsibility of anyone other than yourself.
3) “I refuse to believe that sex with me is a traumatizing experience (wtf?!), at worst its a boring experience.” —> Here again you are disrespecting women — you disrespect Rachel by refusing to really HEAR all she said in her article, such as “The damage you’re causing is incalculable.” Your refusal to hear this says that your horniness is more important than the damage you’re doing to a woman in prostitution. Do you see how you are not seeing women as whole human beings here? Why don’t you care about the harm that comes from your sexual selfishness? Are you capable of caring? Of opening your heart and really taking in what this article is saying? Did you read Sinner’s comments? You have some pretty serious mental, emotional and spiritual blockage going on if you cannot understand.
4) “If I’m horny and I still have money for sexual services I will pay for one. What would you want me do ? Abstain ? Abstinence is painful and pointless.” —–> I understand the “need” to sexually relieve yourself, this is what masturbation is for if you do not have a consenting partner to do it with. I get that it’s not as pleasurable as sex with another person, but it’s healthier and more realistic than abstinence. Wouldn’t you prefer masturbating instead of harming a woman? Also, I would suggest following Sinner’s advice by checking out Sex Addicts Anonymous; they probably have some good coping strategies.
I used the term “masturbation object” because paid sex is very one-sided — the man is paying for “you-do-what-I-want sex”, and VERY different from truly consensual sex where both parties desire eachother. This makes a prostituted woman your masturbation object — your money reduces her to an object for you to masturbate into, with her helping you along the way, and with you taking away her dignity and sensual wholeness in the process by what you’re paying for: non-truly-consensual sex, which is rape, NOT just “boring sex”. You need to get outside of your head and what YOU think she is experiencing, and really HEAR what Rachel is saying in her article, and other exited women, ALL of whom say the same thing.
You lie to yourself and refuse to accept the Truth because it makes it easier for you to do what you KNOW is wrong. Get past the shame and guilt. Be a real man, respect women, LISTEN to what they’re saying, then behave accordingly. I have faith that you can man up and do this.
You’re a piece of shit.
Dear FreeIrishWoman
Firstly, your article is amazing. So well written. Among the most powerful thing I have ever read.
I am disgusted and ashamed to admit to you that I too was a “John”. Sure, I had my “excuses” like everybody else. I was living in a foreign country, as a 26 year old virgin who was drinking to escape boredom, loneliness and deep depression. On three times I succumbed and had three horrible, un-enjoyable experiences. On each occasion I felt disgusted after a few minutes and ran away. I can’t imagine how the women felt (they were all late 30s at least).
I knew it was wrong before, during and after doing it. It’s amazing how having a woman waving at you and encouraging you to come see her can instantly overcome everything you actually know is “real”. You simply believe the fantasy that you are almost doing her a favour by visiting her.
I put the experiences out of my mind, returned to my home country and got on with my life. I found a great girlfriend, great job, great friends and turned into the full blown liberal, pro-human rights person that I always wanted to be.
Recently, 8 years on, its all come crashing down. It started with reading one article about a politician who had been attacked for using prostitutes. Initially, I read with a look for disgust for the man. Then suddenly it hit me, I was the same as him. That’s when the full on OCD experience began. I started reading articles upon articles about the evils of prostitution and the horrific experiences of the poor woman (and men, and tragically children) who must go through it.
The self-loathing I feel is hard to describe. I’m not looking for any sympathy of course. In fact I’m happy in a way. I’m being punished, and I deserve to be. I too have tried the usual attempts to move on. I donated money to charities, met with prostitutes in the same places where I previously did and had a chat with them and gave them money (few experiences are more heartbreaking to be honest – although they were laughing at me!). But ultimately it’s futile. I fully believe that any man (or woman) who has used prostitutes deserves to feel a sense of disgust and shame for the rest of their lives. I know that it doesn’t do anybody and good. But that’s the punishment and there’s no way to escape from it.
I get a little relief (although I know I shouldn’t) from the fact that all women were a lot older than me and were locals (i.e not trafficked). And that I never even considered visiting a prostitute before or since then (which was five years ago, and well before my current realisation of what the experience actually involves). I know there is no excuse, but something about that period of my life completely messed me, and my morals, up.
I think about how my lovely, sweet girlfriend would react if she knew (although I thank God it happened when I was single). I think about how my mother would react (she would be disgusted). I think of one day looking at a child that I have created and having to know that for his/her whole life he/she will be the son/daughter of somebody who has slept with a prostitute. For these reasons I pray (and worry obsessively) that my secret never gets out. I worry that everything is futile.
I’m sure all of this reads like a slightly selfish attempt at forgiveness. And a few months back that is what I was looking for.
However I’ve realised that actually, forgiveness, be it from the ladies in question, yourself, my girlfriend, mother etc. will ultimately mean nothing. I can’t forgive myself for this. It’s simply not an action that I can forgive. It’s an action by somebody who disgusts me.
But I must end by saying how much I admire you and what you have done. You should go to bed each night with a massive smile on your face.
Men can put there fingers in their ears for a while. But ultimately the truth will come. At least to any with a hint of a conscience. It takes a while though. For when the realization comes, it’s brutal and unforgiving. And ultimately nobody wants to face that.
Take care and good luck with all your future endeavors.
Thank you, and please try to forgive yourself. We all should have the right to change. I wish you luck in moving on and letting go.
If I may, a word:
We are not just who we were, but who we are becoming. Everyday, every moment is an opportunity for change. Regardless of your “crimes”, you are the first to sincerely know if you have changed and/or are changing.
I believe humans are entitled to make mistakes. Its what makes us human. That’s not to say that we don’t have to pay penance or a price for forgiveness, but forgiveness, when sought in sincerity, should always be available. You should not have to suffer a lifetime of horror for what was honestly done in ignorance. Be human. Be humble. Be compassionate. If your error has taught you to see someone else’s suffering, then perhaps you can use that to understand and help others to. It sounds like you already have. Let go and educate others to your experience.
Rachel,
I apologise if I’m a bit late to respond, as I have only found your blog recently.
I have read almost your entire blog (I think) over the past couple of days.
I guess I’m one of the men you are referring to in this post, the “good” punter.
I live in Queensland, Australia, where prostitution is legal and regulated. I only went to legal brothels. I was of the belief that trafficked women were only to be found in illegal brothels as those in the legal brothels needed to either be Australia or New Zealand citizens (we have reciprocal work rights) or have a work visa. I guess it didn’t occur to me at the time that women could be trafficked from within my & their own country.
I was always gentle, making sure I didn’t hurt them (physically) without realising the emotional and psychological damage I was doing. I would talk to them about their lives, who knows if what anything they said was true but if it was most of them were struggling single parents or university students, with the occasional “career” prostitute (I’m not sure if that’s the right term, but basically they said they were doing it because that’s what they decided to do with their lives, which I know find less believable).
I now disgust myself. I can’t even begin to count the number of women I have gently raped. I don’t feel like a man at the moment, I feel more like a dog. That is what dogs do, run around fucking any female they can find.
I have certainly determined I will never, ever again visit a prostitute though.
I have also gone to massage parlours at various times. What is your view on this? Is it similarly harmful to prostitution? I’m supposing so as basically the punter is still paying the woman to masturbate him, not with her vagina but the end result is still the same.
How about strip clubs, pornography, topless bars? They are all to a greater or lesser extent selling female bodies for male sexual pleasure. I suppose in all fairness they should all be banned. (I guess for pornography, one could argue that male bodies are also used, especially in the case of gay porn, but it seems to me the majority of consumers are hetero males looking at females who if one looks at it rationally, are being raped.)
You’re welcome. I’m very tired of the things that go on with the prostitution debate as far as hacking, personal attacks, putting peoples’ addresses online, etc., goes. I became part of the debate because I’m what I call a “sex volunteer” and am no longer hiding this from people. I help out men sexually at no charge because I personally hate prostitution and don’t want any part of what I do to be part of that system. I also want to help the poor and those who don’t want to see prostitutes. I’m very tired of the view pushed that prostitutes are the only good way for people to go sexually. I’m for decriminalization but don’t want anything to do with prostitution personally unless there was no other way to live (i.e., no other jobs). I’m hoping I never have that situation in my life. I’ve started defending the women like me online because there’s lies put out about us, unfortunately. A few are: we don’t have self-esteem and self-respect; we’re not brave enough to be full-on prostitutes and we’re too risky to see at all because we love home wrecking. I could list more, unfortunately. I wanted to post this info about me to be up front on my stand because of the subject matter on your blog. To not be up front about this would bother me greatly. I read a tweet of yours a while back that was positive about literally free sex and I thank you for that. I’m in the process of leaving a blog where these lies about women like me are pushed by some on there (not all, thank God) so I’m very glad I’ve read up on BOTH sides of this debate.
Above post was in reply to April 14th post made by FreeIrishWoman.
You have communicated well. I understand not wanting some random guy to emotionally barf on you when you were working as a prostitute. However there is another side to the world of sex for sale. Some women do this for the money as independent service providers. They don’t always enjoy the sex, but they do like the money. These women are rare and it has a lot to do with geography and the woman’s temperament. Yes sorry to say but I have met a few of these “happy hookers”. Misogyny is not cool, but neither is angry radical feminism….they are yin and yang, opposite extremes which should be avoided. Courtesans should be given the highest respect for what they do as a function in society. Without them, you would see rape. I don’t mean the erroneous, feminist version of this word. I mean real, violent, and hostile rape. Before painting the whole world of pay for play as immoral, Consider the good that comes out of it as well. Lonely men with no confidence, who may have never had a sexual experience in their life can change after just one encounter. A womans children are fed and clothed instead of living in the streets. There are positive aspects to this other world of prostitution, which is obviously different from what you experienced. The few times that I have seen escorts, I have always been respectful. There is a code to follow. Just because I pay does not mean I can do anything I want. There will be no talk of personal life unless it comes up and the conversation leads to this, with willingness on her part. As a man, I try to bring a positive energy to the situation. I will admit it is a strange scenario for men and women alike. Sex is powerful and feelings do affect both sexes in this situation. It is not ideal, but you make the best of it with the person you are with. If no one is harmed, then there is nothing wrong with it. The few bad experiences I have had was because I could tell the lady was hooked on drugs, it was a moment of weakness on my part to not walk away when she opened the door. I learned from that, and it is not going to happen again. If anything, It opened my eyes to the dark side of this trade. Men like me may not be the majority, and that is sad. Let’s face it, men and women want different things from each other. The only way to create a positive experience is to find a balance between the sexes. Empowerment of one over the other will never bring peace. I am guilt free and have a clear conscious on this matter. The best of wishes to you on your path of healing the past.
Bronson, I simply couldn’t be bothered responding to the level of ignorance in your post. That is not the way I choose to spend my time, but I will tell you this: there is no ‘erroneous, feminist version’ of the word rape.
I wish you the best also – in pulling your patriarchal head out of your patriarchal arse.
Because your experience is the ONE TRUE light of it all, just like all religions, everyone else’s version is false and heresy. There can be NO happy hooker. That, would destroy the message.
Anyone that thinks otherwise is “head up their arse!”.
Have you noticed that only what sounds like lonely and victimized women are making positive comments on your blog? The rest are actually quite neutral, though you decide to take them negatively…
except for mine. I’m trying to cut right to the truth.
Enough bullshit, let’s out with it. I wager My life is at least as shitty as yours and I’ll also wager that I still did fine for myself, and didn’t choose to degrade myself. I’ll also say that prostitution is not a degradation of one’s self! You CHOOSE to see it that way as you CHOSE to take the profession. And now you CHOOSE to blame others because you didn’t like the CHOICE YOU MADE.
What an ignorant asshole I was just a short time ago.
I may only be a step above before, but for what its worth my deepest apologies Rachel and everyone else.
I was wondering if there is any way to get in touch with you personally freeirishwoman?
Like an email or as such…
Sincerely
Possibly, but could you say why?
Just wanted your opinion on high-class escorts it was my first time ever…
But straight after i felt a strange sort of disgust with myself…
Im just not sure…
Do they go through the same thing like you mentioned or…..
Are they just expertly at hiding it up.
They’re covering it up; that’s what they’re paid to do.
FreeIrishWoman,
So I’m probably one of the guys you’re writing to. I hope you approve my response, even though I’m about to voice some disagreement. I will try to make it respectful disagreement.
When you ask how I could possibly think that providers actually enjoy sex on the job, the answer is: With very rare exceptions, I do NOT think that. But neither do I think that most girls experience the kind of heart-wrenching torment that you have evidently experienced. In fact, I dearly hope that your case is exceptional in that regard. I certainly do not want to contribute to that kind of suffering.
Nevertheless, it seems inevitable that if I continue my behavior then eventually I will encounter someone like you, and become to them another terrible memory. Maybe it has already happened. So, you ask, how do I justify my behavior?
It’s because, like everyone else on the planet, I have self-interests which sometimes trump the interests of others. Do you agree that SOMETIMES it is okay to be a little bit selfish? Well, I just think this is one of those times.
The reason is twofold. First, I don’t think the harm is very great for each individual occasion. For example, would you really feel all that much better if you had serviced one less client? Would it make any difference if you had serviced 999 instead of 1,000 men? But if I were to stop seeing providers, then all that would change is a bunch of women–most of whom don’t feel the torment you do anyway–would have serviced one less client. This strikes me as not very significant.
Second, providers have a responsibility to be honest with me. If they hate my company, then they should say so and I will gladly respect their wishes. Better yet, they should not advertise their services in the first place! I don’t want to spend time with someone who sees devil horns when they look at me. And if they refuse to be honest with me, and lie about how they feel, then that’s their decision. They tell me that they want to trade sex for money, and then they demonstrate their desire by doing exactly that. It is their decision as much as it is mine, and, barring unusual circumstances, I don’t feel badly for respecting that decision.
Fortunately I don’t think most girls are harmed in the way you describe. Most of the time I expect it’s just a job that they maybe don’t enjoy but neither do they feel the tortured self-loathing that you evidently did.
Anyway, I hope that gives you some perspective. And I appreciate your perspective too. Although I disagree with much of what you wrote, I am still very sympathetic to your personal experiences. I can see why you feel strongly about helping others avoid the suffering that you went through. But the answer isn’t to bring down the entire industry. Rather, we need to get help to the poor and drug-addicted so that they don’t feel like they have no alternative than to resort to performing a job they utterly despise.
Tom, you are a fool. You keep on deluding yourself if you want to but do not expect me to pick apart your foolish delusions. I will not do that. It would take too long.
Look at you claiming it’s your property’s responsibility to let you know if you’re a rapist.
A woman isn’t your ‘provider’ she is a human being, sicko. It’s your responsibility not to sexually assault, not her duty to reaffirm or talk you out of your delusions.
Seek an audience for your rape stories elsewhere – like prison.
Rachel, I know you told Tom to get off your blog, but I wanted to say this in reply to his post in case other men like him are reading and likely thinking the same way as him.
Tom said:
“I have self-interests which sometimes trump the interests of others. Do you agree that SOMETIMES it is okay to be a little bit selfish? Well, I just think this is one of those times.”
No. It is never okay. It is disrespectful at its CORE to ever think your own “interests” trump someone else’s. It is really that simple. And any attempts at clouding this core idea is just that — clouds, white noise, smoke & mirrors to excuse the selfishness at the core of this mentality. Nothing, EVER makes it okay to disregard another person’s basic dignity and humanity, most especially not the “interest” of an orgasm.
The sex trade revolves around the paid-for lie that women want to do this “work.” Men may be too ignorant or selfish to realize that the vast majority of women aren’t “wiling participants”, but now you know, and it is on you whether you want to take seriously the responsibility of Being Human and humane. If so, the first step is listening and *believing* what voices like Rachel’s say. Then stopping your buying of women. Next, spread the word to other men. This is what makes a REAL man, one worthy of Respect and Honor.
You got issues. Clean your deep self and get over the shitty circumstances Life has dealt you.
Women that sell their bodies have no right to bitch about how I treat them.
They are my property for the time they belong to me, and I will use them as I see fit.
I’m approving this comment as evidence of the sort of scum women in prostitution have to deal with every day.
I feel very strongly about this post as it strikes a chord with me. I mean absolutely no disrespect to women in any way. But I feel I simply must put the message to people who think like this.
Man said “Women that sell their bodies have no right to bitch about how I treat them.”
A human being cannot “sell you their body”. As an employee of course you can “Bitch about” the way you are treated, as you are asking someone to help you for pay. I actually get a sickening feeling thinking about a person as “sexual employee” because sex is supposed to be an intimate experience between consenting parties. You seem to look at it as buying, or renting, merchandise and then doing to it as you please. A person is NOT merchandise AND even if you are paying for that “consent” you have an obligation to that individual to make the experience worthwhile, even if that means only worth what you paid for it.
You started with : “You got issues. Clean your deep self and get over the shitty circumstances Life has dealt you.”
I agree. Most people need to get over their “shitty circumstances”. Life is full of shit. Yours must be turning your eyes brown by now.
And you ended with: “They are my property for the time they belong to me, and I will use them as I see fit.”
Belong to me and use them. See what I said in the first statement. I’m not sickened by most men. I’m sickened by the human race. Can you not see beyond your own crap far enough to not judge someone?
A long time ago, I saw a story on the news about a man that had raped and murdered someone. I immediately, as a child still, sided with the press, saying “BURN HIM ALIVE!” My father turned to me and said “Really? And you’d hang him like that? This man, this human, regardless of the monstrosities he’s done, is not a single act. No one is. The worst that is done upon you, is still only a fraction of that person. And even Jesus said: “He who is without sin, cast the first stone”.
And you somehow feel entitled? Your “couple a dollars” means you can buy off your conscience? Whose the cheap one? The woman or you?
I say again. Your dollars can’t buy my dignity. Nor anyone else’s. Except yours. The more you spend, the more you lose. In fact. If you’re spending money, you’ve already lost your dignity. “Man” is hardly an appropriate “monicker” .
Breaking News: Rapist feels entitled to rape.
Thanks for letting them speak for themselves Rachel, they’ll dig their own graves much quicker.
You need to stop throwing around the term Rapist in regards to prostitution. It doesn’t go together by the nature of the beast.
That being said,
“Man”…you ARE loathsome. She is “yours until your time is up”?
No human being ever belongs to another. Period. She is selling you her assistance and your gratitude is expected, even if you can muster it genuinely. Obviously you’d never be able to find a real woman to put up with your crap. May it happen to you one day in prison that someone sees you as “theirs”.
STOP BEING FRIENDS WITH, HELPING, DATING, LIVING WITH OR ASSOCIATING WITH MEN. CUT. THEM. OFF.
WOMEN, THIS IS WHAT MEN SEE YOU AS.
You got issues. Clean your deep self and get over the fact that you are a rapist and want cookies.
Women that sell their bodies have every right to do anything they please, including but not limited to saying that you are raping them for money.
No woman is or ever will be a property. We are not things. You can use them, hurt them and treat them like crap but you will never have a right to do that. You only have the POWER to do that. It is not the same.
Man, Im not surprised that you chose not to publish your real name, your mother must be so proud to have pushed trash like you from her body..How would you feel if the mouth you have wrapped around your cheese-ridden cock was that of your mother/daughter or sister?may all your children be still-born
I wrote a respectful and detailed response which apparently Rachel deleted minutes later. It’s her blog, so she can do what she wants. But if she is unwilling to deal with the issues, how is anyone going to take her criticisms seriously? At this point she’s just preaching, and not making a real case against sex work.
Oops, I made a mistake. She did not delete my post. She only hid it, which I think means she will unhide it when she writes a response. Sorry Rachel, my bad.
Tom, your response was not “respectful” by any stretch of the imagination. It was ignorant, contemptuous, inhumane and extremely disrespectful both to myself and to the many survivors of prostitution who read this blog and contact me regularly to thank me for writing it.
As for my being “unwilling to deal with the issues” – you can be damn sure I deal with the issues, and I’ll keep on dealing with the issues, until men like you are routinely dragged hopping out of brothels with your trousers around your ankles.
Roll on the Nordic Model in Ireland!
Of course my responses have always been respectful. That’s more than I can say for the terrible insults which have been directed at me.
You can claim to deal with the issues all you want, but it’s painfully obvious that in reality you just want a platform to preach your very ugly opinions about certain people. Fine, it’s your blog.
You don’t get to decide what is and is not respectful to survivors of prostitution Tom – we get to decide that. As for “very ugly opinions about certain people”, that’s rich coming from someone who believes that some women exist to made into merchandise. Now get the fuck off my blog.
Dear Rachel,
I learn so much from reading your posts, and from the comments too. What I find interesting too is how many men come on here and want attention and validation from you, whether they are begging your forgiveness or telling you what great guys they are and how it’s different with them. It’s as if they can’t imagine something not being about them. Or that they seem to especially need your validation because you are the woman who was always silent, who was paid to never have a voice, and here she has a voice and a blog and is not just a body to use. That must feel so incredibly threatening to men who use prostitutes, but this is the brilliant way that you teach. Also I think a lot of people are just not educated about power structures, and see their exchanges taking place in a sort of vacuum involving equal parties with equal agency. No one should have any other reaction to reading this blog other than sobbing in grief for the robbing of girls’ and womens’ humanity, or else laughing uproariously with joy at the excellent and clever and breathtakingly brave writing you have done.
Thank you so much Anna. The ignorance gets a bit much at times but we will get there in the end!
Hi Rachel, my name is Emma & Im looking for a speaker to talk about prostitution in Ireland. Please can you contact me if you’re interested & we can chat more.
Many thanks Emma
No probs Emma, I’ll be in touch.
I never used a prostitiute but it’s clear you are not one, just a bloody radical feminist pouring her poison on men. Why don’t you get a life see a therapist, marry and start a family? No one did you any harm it’s just that your parents had spoiled you rotten.
Truly eye opening. You are a fantastic writer – I’m fairly certain you could write on any topic and be just as engaging. My point (badly made) is that you have suffered greatly, but you are so much more than your experiences. I wish you great success.
Punter : been with so many I mean so many lost count. I could hardly understand in my teens when a whore was non cooperative even if I told her I paid a large amount for her outside , she would reply I don’t care get off me. Now after so many years I don’t care sadly call me a sadist or what ever. But if a girl today does the same thing I get irritated one tight slap fixes it. I don’t really mind if she has been kidnapped , tricked , trafficked. Yes your letter is directed to me I hardly care. But undoubtedly your a gifted writer.
Oh dear Jesus…
How can someone become so jaded to another’s experience? Do you really fail to connect with others such that your interaction with them becomes robotic and consumerist? That another human being is an object for your pleasure rather than someone with feelings? Ironic that your pleasure is also your source of pain.
I wager your own life is wrought with relationship failure, yes? One in which you were disconnected from your mother perhaps? Or maybe multiple rejections from girls/women left you insensitive? What about YOUR needs, right?
Then allow me this advice. We (as a human race) ONLY can meet our needs by meeting those of the people around us. Sounds crazy? Extend yourself and see what happens. Open your mind and heart and you WILL feel pain. But you will finally find what you are missing. And then you may understand.
God help you.
Perhaps her letter isn’t directed at you. Some of the men she appeals to are in ways, capable of being appealed to. They are the type of men who attempt to treat these women with a sense of dignity (albeit a false one). They perhaps might feel guilt beneath all their justifications and rationalizations. You are not like punters who pretend to respect the women they are with. You flat out don’t respect the women you are with. Although, you seem to recognize your own lack of guilt, which you yourself described as sad. So perhaps you do feel guilt somewhere deep inside you.
I’m curious as to why you’d comment on this board? It’s not like you are trying to justify or reason your actions like some of the other men here.
A private note to me was posted on this thread recently in error. It has now been removed. My apologies to the poster.
Thank you so very much. I’ve literally been sweating for days over that post. I’ve never done anything so stupid in my life and I really felt completely exposed. Thank you. Thank you. A million times thank you.
I don’t know. Part of me wants to sympathize, because I believe having sex for the sole purpose of getting paid as opposed to recreation is dehumanizing, and no one should have to go through that. However, there is another side of me struggling to understand the dissonance between “equality” and “let’s coddle adult women for unfortunate decisions they’ve made, and blame men for it”.
The most dangerous jobs in the world (in terms of fatalities, injuries) are occupied by men. Coal mining, logging, construction work, fishing, mechanics etc.And many of these men come from working class blue collar families, so that is more or less not their preferred job but it’s what pays the bills in their family. There is little to no concern about this, and most people would say that these risks come with the job description…
I’m very sorry that you suffered, and that your hurt. But calling men who engaged in a mutually consenting transaction (and consent does not always entail enthusiasm) “gentle rapists” is out of bounds.
The problem, Salma, is that men who buy sex are not engaging in anything resembling a ‘mutually consenting transaction’. And you can keep your sympathy; I have never asked that from you, or from anyone.
I’ve spent the last month reading a lot of this site and I have to say I’ve learned a lot, and I think I’ve come a long way.
I see now how prostitution is akin to rape. I don’t think a woman is “hardwired” to understand this, but a former sex worker I think at least “knows” that many many men fantasize about rape of some sort. They then take these brutal fantasies out on the sex worker who really wants no part of their sick fantasy. Because they are paying for it, they somehow feel entitled to live out their fantasy. They believe its the fantasy they are buying, not the actual sex. Though, neither would admit it. And that fantasy is simply not what the prostitute is selling.
I see now why the idea of the “Happy Hooker” is an illusion. Who honestly wants to get paid to be someone’s dump rag? Who wants to accept money to get abused and beaten? Alas, the “good punter” will have a hard time with this because they have a fantasy of a different sort and don’t think that way.
I have a problem with the term “gentle rapist” because in order to commit any crime, rape included, intent has to be formed. I don’t think the majority of these “good punters” are actually aware that they are doing anything other than a mutually beneficial exchange, as they see it. But by simply supporting prostitution, they support the system of abuse it entails. Whether or not they are physically abusive themselves is irrelevant. What they don’t realize is that they are still engaged in a one-sided selfish fantasy that has nothing to do with the Human Being they are with.
Hello, I fit many of the qualities you say define a ‘good punter’. I’ve used prostitutes a few times over the last 10yrs, not regularly but I have. I was planning to visit one tomorrow which is why I was googling about as I have reservations about this behaviour. What you have written has put me off a lot. I certainly do not want to pay money to satisfy my selfish needs and traumatise the young woman as a result. That would be an act of cruelty. Neither do I wish to be hated. I’m thinking to show her your entry and see what she says. Although I understand by your account she probably wouldn’t be able to answer honestly and she would simply tell me what she thinks I want to hear. I like talking to her, she already said (I visited her once before) that she does this because ‘it’s easy money’. I also asked her how the hell she has sex with men who are strangers as I don’t think I could do it in her position. She said she separates it out and treats it like a job otherwise she’d go mad. She says she is an independent worker and screens her clients to some limited extent – she did with me. She’s an immigrant and with low education. Her only other source of income would likely be low paid unskilled work. Has she not made a free choice there?
I have sexual and female intimacy needs. By definition they are needs. Because of my personal circumstances they are not being satisfied by the obvious usual circumstances of man and woman in a relationship. This leaves other, if what you are saying is true, less damaging options. There are ‘one night stands’ which take great time and effort. I don’t particularly have the time to go hunting around nightclubs. I can seduce woman with the sole aim of having sex with them, which I have done in the past. This is also very time consuming and unfair to the women involved. The last option is using ‘sex websites’ for woman looking for casual sex and intimacy. The realistic aspect of the last option is in question to me. Another option is to have an affair which, if I were to be found out which is highly likely, would lead to dreadful consequences. The last option is to find a new partner which I don’t want to do either for certain reasons.
So, it seem to be for me and probably for many other men too in the ‘good punter’ category, a question of; how do we deal with our sexual and female intimacy needs without causing suffering.
I would also like to say that we are all prostituting ourselves for money one way or another. I prostitute my time and creativity to make money for corporations. The difference is that the sex prostitute is selling something extremely intimate and internal, possibly sacred. Who is selling their soul the most? Who is selling the most of themselves?
“She said she separates it out and treats it like a job otherwise she’d go mad.”
Yep, I can relate to that…
If women weren`t such whores we wouldn`t need hookers. I have found that most `regular`women are so damned disgusting, dishonest, mercenary and generally full of lies and deceit that a relationship with a good honest whore is far more rewarding than ANY relationship that any so called fail `modern female`. The reason so many women feel threatened by these woman is that they KNOW they fault lies with them.
Despite the bullsh!t and self pitty of the damaged bint that wrote the article a LOT of women today are making the CHOICE to become escorts and call girls. It`s far more HONEST than the usual methods women use to get what they want from men. Again, I`d prefer a good honest whore, at least I know 100% what she`s about and she knows what I`m about. God I wouldn`t go near a woman if she wasn`t a working woman! All the more charming aspect of feminine companionship are rent-able by the hour. After that I treat the female the way she has always treated the male. Like a disposable thing.
Fair is fair.
Your truth is so rare and incredibly moving. Have you ever thought about adapting your book for a film? I’d be interested in discussing it with you if you’re interested. I think it’s a side of the story that shouldn’t stay silenced. The levels of ignorance that most people are comfortable with is really scary to me.
It is a cold world.
Imagine walking through life, single. The women fear you, you’re taught at a very young age that women don’t want sex and that being male makes you inherently evil. You’re taught that all you want is physical sex. Of course, you overcome much of it when you’re older & realize it’s a load of bullshit.. you’re not evil and you’re far deeper than just some organism seeking physical gratification. But, even if YOU know you’re not an ape, you’re still seen as one.
The loneliness is crushing. Absolutely positively crushing, you reach to the sky and scream “I GIVE UP”, but no one is there to take your resignation, to let you finally die so you can escape this miserable life of never ending perpetual loneliness and alienation. Over and over you beg God to just let you die. You’d do it yourself, but you know if you do, you’ll have to come back. Shitting your diapers again doesn’t seem like much fun.
A small child says “Hi” to you, and just like a hundred times before… the mother promptly scolds her child for talking to strangers. You go to a bar, ask the lady sitting between two empty chairs if the seats are taken & she looks at you with fear in her face. Another woman scolds you just because you made the mistake of holding your hand to your ear (thinking she’d said something to you) you’re all alone and everyone seems to hate you. They don’t know you, they think you’re a monster. (they don’t know, for example, that you have HSP and that you’re actually very gentle and wouldn’t hurt a fly) they don’t know you have love for every living thing. They don’t know you can actually feel the emotions pouring out of them.
Sure, there are reasons for this fear. There are reasons women hate men. Lots of reasons, but the experience is so damn alienating you can’t take it any more. You want something…. ANYTHING just to escape the pain, if only for an hour. You know it’s wrong, you feel like a piece of sh*t because you have to actually pay someone to pretend to like you… you unworthy piece of shit. You try paying for her time & NOT having sex, just talking… but you still know you’re unwanted. No one would ever love you.
The experience tears through you like razor blades and you wish the blades were physical, so they would slice open your wrists so you don’t have to walk in this crummy society for another day.
You never wanted to rape anyone, you never wanted to hurt anyone. All you ever wanted was to love & be loved, which never happens. (sure you can love, but it’s from a distance, and never reciprocal) so you take the closest substitute available to you, even if it’s smoke & mirrors and you know it. The ONE single nice thing about loving everyone and everything is that no one can break your heart, (provided you don’t confuse love with want) but it still hurts to be rejected every… single… day… of your miserable existence as an unwanted male. The ambivalence between wanting a hug and intimacy (even if it is artificial) and knowing it’s no good is awful.
While you can feel her crushed spirit, her feeling of despair & hopelessness and you know the woman you’re with is in a great deal of emotional pain (just like you….) you don’t dare speak of these things when you’re with her. She’s got her shield up, she’s not talking. So you joke about the weather, all you wanted was a hug.
She doesn’t know that you feel love for her, just as you love all living things… all except yourself that is. She hates you, just like all women do. But you try not to think about it. You remind yourself that you don’t need to respond to hatred & fear in kind, and that you’re free to love whoever and whatever you want, provided you don’t expect it in return.
The sisters of mercy have probably saved quite a few men from the act of suicide. Prostitution is a symptom of a much larger problem in society. In reality, the concept should be laughable and this should not be happening. It’s like we’re on some weird star trek timeline that wasn’t supposed to happen. So many people are in pain, and it’s needless pain. It didn’t have to be this way.
Life is depressing.. and tough. It is for both genders. I wish there were a machine we could all step through and experience the world from the other side.
I’m not trying to be mean here John Henry but someone who’s in as much emotional turmoil as you clearly are does not need prostitution, they need a good shrink. There’s nothing offensive meant in that statement; therapy can be a wonderful thing. Courtesy of the trauma of prostitution, I had three and a half years of it myself.
I can easily agree with everything you say and here comes that awful word ‘but’, but many years ago I had a very good friend who was a sex worker. We talked about it occasionally and she always said that she had built up a number of regular clients and didn’t take new business unless any dropped out. She told me that she thoroughly enjoyed what she did most of the time and it was just the odd new punter who she’d not see again. She lived extremely well, was not pimped and had a degree which could easily have provided a good career.
I wish I could speak to her again now because of what you say above, but we lost touch around twenty years ago. She said she had many real orgasms from oral on her. Can you have an orgasm if you are not enjoying it? I wouldn’t have thought so.
So I do agree with the sentiments, but wonder if some girls can enjoy the life. Felt I had to add this comment.
‘Can you have an orgasm if you are not enjoying it? I wouldn’t have thought so.’
It doesn’t necessarily follow that because someone has an orgasm during sex, that means that they enjoy it. Rape victims, for example, can sometimes climax during the ordeal but it doesn’t mean that they enjoy being raped. Conversely, it is possible to enjoy a sexual encounter without reaching an orgasm.
I hasten to add that I’m not disputing what you say about how positive your friend’s experience is. I’m merely pointing out that an orgasm does not equal enjoyment of sex., just as lack of an orgasm does not equal lack of enjoyment of sex.
maleredfem that is interesting. I’ve never heard of a girl having an orgasm during forced sex. It happens for men, of course, but I’m surprised that it happens to girls because there is so much emotion, relaxation and concentration needed for a female orgasm.
Yes, I probably need to emphasise that my friend, who told me she enjoyed it and had many orgasms with her clients, couples enjoyment with orgasm so I have to believe her, but I had not been aware that anyone had one during forced sex.
‘I’ve never heard of a girl having an orgasm during forced sex.’
I’ve done a bit of research and found this:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/23150432/Sexual-Arousal-and-Orgasm-in-Subjects-Who-Experience-Forced-Stimulation
It seems fairly clear according to the above review that orgasm in women during rape (and sexual assault more generally), though a relatively rare occurrence, nevertheless does happen.
‘It happens for men, of course, but I’m surprised that it happens to girls because there is so much emotion, relaxation and concentration needed for a female orgasm.’
I’m no sexologist but I’m rather sceptical of your implied suggestion that it takes more emotion, relaxation and concentration for a woman to reach orgasm than it does for a man. Would you care to provide any evidence for that? It sounds to me like another of those gendered stereotypes about human sexuality.
I understand your argument, however, I think there are a few flaws in the logic. There are many jobs which people simply do the job for the money. These people may hate the job or dislike it, but they still work the job. Surely there are boxers or fighters in the world who do not like fighting, but they have a skill set or trait which makes them particularly marketable and desirable. These boxers and fighters and exposed to brutality and are made into a spectacle. While I do not in anyway shape or form condone prostitution, I believe it is a bit ignorant of you to claim all or most prostitutes are victims of drug or sexual abuse. I had a friend, who I found out was escorting. At first, this greatly disappointed me. I talked to her, and she explained that it was a temporary route to pay for college. This friend of mine came from a broken family, as did I, and received no financial help. Yes, this is a terrible situation and girls that have to do escort/prostitute to pay rent are obviously terrible situations. With that said, what is it you tell them to do exactly? If someone has a trait or skill-set that is desired in the marketplace, whether it be through exploitation of women, fighters, sports in general, or any other category in which a person will undergo physical and/or mental abuse, shouldn’t that person have the choice to better their lives. If these people don’t perform their job, the fact is someone will replace them. That is seen in any type of exploitation, however, people often use the same exploitation to their own personal advantage as my friend, who has just entered medical school, did. It is also extremely ignorant to call these people rapists. They may be perverts and deviants, but they are not rapists. Rapists are sick, twisted individuals who take pleasure in exerting power and control and sometimes pain onto the victim. You could make the argument they are unknowing rapists in the cases of girls who are forced into the sex trade, but girls, like my friend, often have a calculated plan to use this exploitation to their advantage, as there would be no other option. I know you may call that slavery or another term, but there is no uproar in the world of professional sports. In this world, players are often pressured into playing through an injury, playing another year, or not mentioning a concussion or other injury. They do this for their own financial reasons and because it is more beneficial to them than not doing it. This was the case with my friend. The choice she made was sacrificing now for a better life later on. I’ll conclude in saying I was wrong to say your logic was flawed, but it is poorly represented as being the only exploited group of people. While the extreme and forced exploitation is fundamentally wrong, it is wrong to think that there aren’t people who are mutually benefited through the exploitation, whether it’s players and fans, boxers and spectators, or escorts/prostitutes and the men who hire them
There are too many flaws in this ‘logic’ for me to get into Craig, though I might get around to writing a blog post around these points sometime… about a hundred years from now… if I’m bored.
I am the good john and all that you say are true. Undeniably so, and sorry for the but that’s coming. Loneliness is hard and prolonged loneliness is deafening and aching and soul wrenching and when all that matters is lying next to another human being fucking is the least prevalent of one’s desires. The smell of woman is a pain killer the softness of her hair and the sound of her breath the yoga of one’s senses and when that is your one’s only option, being the good john is the least one can do. Personally I am grateful that someone out there is stronger than me…
Well all know what loneliness is. We’ve all felt it. Nothing in the aching sadness of loneliness gives us the right to dehumanise each other. Personally, I am grateful to know that.
The proliferation of porn has further desynthesized males to the realities of prostitution. It is now much easier for males to see the female body as something which can be exploited for their gratification. Males who use prostitutes are the ultimate in selfishness as they rob fellow human beings of their God given dignity. They are parasites preying on vulnerable women. In many cases they are facilitating trafficking of women.
However not alone is the woman scarred by prostitution so is the client either in the short or long term. Spiritually the male is damaged. In the medium to long term he loses self- respect for himself. He is a loser and a coward afraid to form a healthy relationship with a woman. Now of course many of the exploiters will not admit this. There is the risk of acquiring sexually transmitted diseases. This fear will plague the client daily after a visit . Using prostitutes damages prospects of forming solid relationships with potential partners. Why are so many males so thick?
Much stronger laws must be enacted here which make it too costly for clients to use prostitutes. There should be mandatory publishing of names and addresses of all those convicted of using prostitutes. Time to strike terror into the minds of those tempted to frequent brothels.
I have just read this blog in it’s entirety and I strongly disagree. I can’t believe there hasn’t been one dissenting view displaying reason. Surely you must all realize that there are a great many good, moral, honest, intelligent and courageous men and women who have carefully considered the issue and reached very different conclusions. This includes men and women that have used prostitutes and those that have not. Former and current prostitutes of both sexes and top academics in this field of study. It is ludicrous to suggest all these people are liars, fools,cruel or deranged because they disagree with you. In fact I don’t think the rest of this blog has been convincing by way of rational argument. I will explain my views on prostitution but before I do I will give you a few pieces of information about myself in the hope that you will consider what I have to say. I have never hired a prostitute. I completed two contracts in the Canadian infantry and have served in Bosnia and Afghanistan. The reason I did this is I care about people. I want to protect people from harm and make the world better, and I was willing to risk my life to do so. Despite my having proven myself tough, I have always considered myself very compassionate. I believe those two qualities feed off each other. There, I think that aught to make it difficult to paint me as a monster. My views on prostitution are that while there are many who engage in prostitution under duress or through violence it is not inherently harmful. There are many healthy, happy people who choose prostitution under no pressure or manipulation. Who are comfortable with their work and feel satisfaction even pride in what they do. I am fully aware that this is not true for the majority of prostitutes worldwide. However, I believe the way to protect sex workers is change the laws and societal views that leave them unsafe and victimized. The supreme court of Canada agrees with me. Prostitution itself was already legal in Canada but last year the supreme court struck down the laws against prostitution houses, public solicitation and living of the avails of prostitution. The reason given, that those laws put prostitutes in danger. It forced sex workers into the clutches of organized crime, left them unable to be protected by police or even hire a driver for security. I think it is worth mentioning that Canada currently has a conservative majority government. That our conservative prime minister appointed the majority of the supreme court judges. And that the supreme courts ruling to strike down the prostitution laws was UNANIMOUS! The previous posts aren’t just in disagreement with me but with every one of the top legal minds in Canada and the majority of Canadians. Will you call us all idiots or monsters? That’s not exactly Canada’s reputation around the world. It will take time but this is the course to protecting men and women from violence and degradation as sex workers. The only reason I came across this blog at all was that I was doing research on escort security, which I will very soon be providing. The escort I will be working with will be much better of paying me a small portion of her pay to keep her safe without sacrificing any of her freedom and independence. I haven’t even done my first shift and already I have come up with a security measure that I have yet to find in my research. Let me just share it with you all, please spread it around. In addition to many other standard operating procedures, I will recommend to the escorts I work for that they have a micro audio transmitter in their purse. That way they don’t have to use their phone but simply say a code word and I’m in there, with the police on the way. I am really interested to see the response to this post. Thank you.
What do you say to someone who thinks there’s nothing wrong with a situation women can best deal with by the carrying of “a micro audio transmitter in their purse”?! Lol
In God’s hands intended evil becomes eventual good… You are an incredible daughter of the Most High King.. Thank you for choosing to take that bold step of sharing your life experience to others…you have no idea how you have blessed my heart…
Love and Prayers
Tuli
I am disappointed the only response so far was regarding a suggestion I made for safety equipment, but I will address it. First, the use of safety equipment does not mean the activity is too dangerous. Radios used to improve communication and communication to support are common safety practices in everything from camping to firefighting, for work much more and much less dangerous than sex work. There are many types of work much more dangerous than sex work that pay much less, e.g. soldiering. I am about actually making people safe from violence and coercion in any field, including sex work. Are there any rebuttals to the body of my last post. Please read the POWER report to understand the evidence. Thanks
If you want to read a rebuttal of your comments Bryan, read my book. You are assuming I have the time to answer you at all, which I absolutely don’t. Good day to you.
You are obvious jaded beyond belief, lets face it all men pay for sex in someway or another whether its in a so called real relationship or from a prostitute, so in that respect all women are prostitutes and that my friend is where the real problem exists…
Dear Mrs. Moran:
I wrote a comment several months ago that perhaps was not directed properly or was deliberately erased. Therefore, I will try to summarize my thoughts on the problem you presented before our eyes, starting with perhaps the most important item, that should be confirmed by every woman to every man in her area of influence. I think that you have a privileged position to enlight both men and women about the terribly wrong things that happen when a person engages in prostitution and therefore I share this insight with you.
Women should remind us permanently, at every occasion, that the difference between men and women is radical, and what would be the dream job for any male teenager is a nightmare for any female teenage and in fact, to every woman, regardless of age. As a species, the male instinct is to impregnate as many women as possible, to guarantee the survival of the species and that makes us so impulsive and shallow in our sexual activities. On the other hand, and for the same purpose, a woman is very selective and lucid about who should be allowed to impregnate her, because if she choses unwisely, she will not have a trustworthy partner to help her raise her offspring, most of all during the most vulnerable moments of the pregnancy and post-child birth. This simple fact explains why men perceives sex as a mere physical activity, while women sees it as a deep commitement to another human being, not to be taken lightly.
Our male ignorance makes it very easy to think that you are enjoying the physical sensations as much as we do and that we are not making any harm, even envying a prostitute’s job (being paid for having sex!). This male blindness is not cultural. It is deeply rooted in our nature, so the job of women is never-ending, because one has to be reminded time and time again about this.
I congratulate you on your clear and lucid statements, which help us enormously to open our eyes, but you still seem baffled by our nature, thinking that we are sensitive beings that need to make a very perverse decision to purchase sex casually. That is why I am sharing this insight with you, hoping that with a clearer mind, you may be better equipped to enlighten us, letting the law take care of the offenders that do not care if they are hurting another human being as long as they are pleased. I think that the Swedish prostitution laws are a step in the right direction, penalising the buyer, not the prostitute, so I hope that your efforts may bring something similar going in more Countries.
I hope also to see your posts translated into Spanish, wich besides being a widely used language, is the one used in the Country where I am raising my family, and I certainly want to see all of my kids’ friends behaving in a decent and considerate fashion with women (I have 3 girls and 2 boys).
Best regards and best wishes for you and your endeavours.
Respectfully
Hans Thiel
I cried reading this article. It made me realize that I am a horrible person. I am 30,average looking guy but socially awkward and miserably alone. Buying Sex was just a pretext to meet someone, I wanted to stroke her hairs,held her, cuddle her and kiss her. In short I wanted to buy a girlfriend.I am “The worst punter”. I don’t know If I can change but I will try.
There is a difference between being a horrible person and sometimes behaving in horrible ways. If you care enough to cry you should care enough to change.
I don’t know if this blog is still active, but I’m glad I found this piece in particular and wanted to say thanks.
I’m a shy virgin male who’s getting a bit too old to be like this, and I keep thinking that prostitution is some kind of harmless ‘cheat code’ to help me catch up in life and get round my anxiety. I browse escort listings in my area, I wonder who I would have most fun with, I compare their likes and dislikes. I think I was getting closer and closer to actually doing it.
As long as I was respectful, clean, friendly, followed the rules and left a tip she may even like it! This is no big deal to her right? In my most self pitying moments I’d try and convince myself that somehow I am the one being demeaned (I’d have to pay for something most other males can get for free) but I think all of this has been put to bed now.
This is going to the top of my internet favourites list and it’s going to remind me.
Either I try and improve myself and connect with humanity (I don’t have many male friends either so this is not just about women and sex) or I die a lonely virgin. Those are the only 2 options.
Thank you for this message. I don’t know who you are, but I do know you are better than paying to abuse someone in order to buy your way out of your virginity. In actual fact, your virginity is not something to be bought off; it is something to give. It is a gift. Work on yourself, go out, and find the woman to give it to.